Amanda’s Weblog

I really want the dream I had last night to become real. PLLLLLLEASE.

it was completely amazing. my SM and I met. we talked A LOT. we flirted A LOT. he gave me a necklace and he held me and i played with his hand? it was awesome and cute and everything it should have been.

It’s time to speak my mind.

I have urges to create lately. What? I do not know.

I just think I need to find something for me that I love and can’t get enough of. But money problems hold me back. I don’t have enough of it. And when I do get my rinkydink paycheck every two weeks, it’s all about the clothes and paying people my debt to them.

I want to be better, better at self control. Better at knowing myself. I don’t think I know myself. I don’t. You don’t. Nobody does. You know what? Screw it, I don’t care.. I’m at a turning point and I REALLY LOVE IT. I’m so filled with happiness right now. My God, this is weird. I was about to rant about dumb stuff. No. Not now. Let me tell you what I want to be. First I need to figure out who I already am. Maybe I’m a liar. I don’t want to hold anything in anymore. I’m going to tell any secrets I have to the wooooorld. I’ve made a HUGE mistake with someone, no not that. I’m still a virgin, still very proud of that fact too. Especially at this point in life. Nobody around me is like that anymore. Everyone’s in such a rush to grow up and have sex and do this and do that and smoke and drink. Not this girl. Never this girl. I’m not going to say I’ll save myself for marraige because I can’t predict the future. I can only go by what I’m feeling right now. And in this moment I know that it’s way too early for me to be doing ANYTHING with a boy of that nature. I’ll stick to the cute little kisses. If only I could find a boy that appreciates that. Let me tell you, any boy that I’ve considered.. they all want the same thing. We all know what that is. I’m so sick of it. My goooodness. I’m sixteen years old. I’m over the pressure and I want to be myself. People need to step back. Let me do my thing and don’t judge me for it. You know.. I’m sick of judgement. I’m sick of people hating others for things they do themselves. SERIOUSLEKRJHELJFNIU frjhgorn Jesus. I could go on forever until my fingertips blister. But my right middle finger has become irrated already. haha.

So agenda for the rest of my life:

Ignore girls that think they’re above me, girls that think they’re better then everyone else.

Be myself, who else is there to be?

LOVE myself.

Find myself.

Create.

Love.

Do my thing.

I really want my chance. Please, God, reunite us. I’m so faaaar beyond convinced that it’s meant to be, supposed to happen. He’s just so.. can’t even put into words what I feel about someone I don’t even know personally. Why does he have to be so far away and so incredibly unreachable for me. There’s no way I can meet up with him again. He’s gotten too big. I keep trying and nothing’s working. I’ll never win anything, I just can’t and don’t. I wish that just once, just one more time.. I could see you and look at you in person. Eye to eye. I want a conversation. I want you to know me, and I want to know you. I want to become your best friend and be open with you. I want to create something. I know all this hooplah sounds reeeeally stupid, and I’m probably going to sound dumb with all this. I don’t care though, when a girl needs to get something out.. she needs to get something out. I can’t help it. I feeeeeel so strongly about this. Like nothing I’ve ever felt. It’s amazing. But I feel like I’ll never even get my chance. I feel like you’ll never ever ever ever know. And if we ever do meet up, you still won’t know right away ’cause odds are we’d meet up for 2 seconds. Not even. Last time, I never really looked at you in the eyes, we didn’t lock eyes. If there’s ever another time, I hope to God there is everyday, I’ll make sure I introduce myself… after the whole lock-eyes-fireworks-fall-in-love-with-me thing happens. Hahaha.

;D

Don’t judge.

nobody seriously cares about me except for my mom and jessica’s family. seriously. wtf.

i hate this mood. i hate having something with a friend that is OURS and then people idk end up on it because theyre her friends.

you don’t get it, but i do.

i don’t care if this makes me naggy, i really don’t. it’s the concept.

When you call us bitches we look at each other and laugh because we knew that way before you did.

I don’t need you, maybe there isn’t any coincidence at all. Maybe it just is what it is.

Maybe you’re not made for me, maybe your girlfriend is. I don’t know, I don’t care. I just wanted something I couldn’t have, just wanted to try you on for size. But I couldn’t do that. So this is the end of nothing. The end of what could have been something.

I’m back to wanting my soulmate, who I believe was seriously made for me. I just can’t reach him.

I was just looking for practice, but I feel as though I don’t need it anymore.