my necklace has been catching my cheerios that missed my mouth.

I want to go to CCBC Essex for 2 years and major in business, but still take art classes. I want to transfer to Towson and major in Art Education and minor in Photography. I want to open a cafe place that has all kinds of crazy menus… one for vegans, one for vegetarians, one for diabetics, one for anything, one for people with braces. I want it to be cute and I want to live upstairs. And then I could be an art teacher, how cool would that be? yeaaaaah.

yaaah, I’m sad. I’m reeeeally, really sad. I’m not so sure if it’s knowing what I’ve done and being disappointed in myself and disgusted with the other person. I don’t know if it’s knowing that my parents still aren’t too happy with me. I don’t know if it’s knowing mommma gerri’s in the hospital right now and I can’t be with her. I’m just really upset. And me being upset is hurting the way I am with people. I really do wish I knew what was wrong with me. But I just don’t. I think I just want to fast forward a few years. I just wish I could save my money. Everything just feels soooo downhill right now. I can’t help it. I just can’t. I hate seeing that stupid KID be faithful to a skank when he never was to me. I don’t want to sound condescending at all, but I am a good girl. I don’t drink, smoke, party, have sex all the time, and I don’t act like a bitch to everyone. I want him to understand. He needs to choose a girl and stick with her. I don’t like him anymore, seriously. At all. I have no feelings towards him. I’m numb to him, for real. And I thought that this would make me feel/look like a slut. But it doesn’t. I did nothing wrong. Life goes on. Someday I’ll find someone who will treat me well. I just think it’s weird that all of these girls know what kind of a person he is but still keep going back to him…. not me though. People like that don’t change. They never will. Believe me. I’m only being cordial to him for my second mama. I just can’t believe out of my seventeen years.. it happened so soon. I feel like every other girl now. I feel no different from them, ’cause how am I? I hate this so much. sooooooo much. I’m saaaaaaaaaaaad. But I just have to get over this feeling. I gave so much and got nothing. I need money right now. more than ever. I need to save for a computer, I need to save up for vacations coming up, I wish my bike’s tire wasn’t flat, I wish I had the one thing that was most sacred to me back. my cat’s biting my leg right now. there’s such bad people in this world.

Okay, so all these black people are saying how this is so great (Obama winning) and comparing it to MLK and stuff like that. Who gave them rights and everything? White presidents. Shut up. White presidents did everything for them. It’s not more than a political movement. All it is is political. Everyone’s trying to make it more than that. If it is then wtf has happened to this country? Fucking shit. I’m just mad ’cause white people are going to be a minority in this country in like 20 years. That is if all this world ending in 2012 isn’t for real. Maybe this is why. Maybe the Aztecs are right. Barack Obama won. WHAT THE HELL? I am in no type of debt to black people. I owe them nothing. Nothing at all. All of that old stupid shit happened WAAAAAAY before my time. So everyone can shut the fuck up about being in debt to blacks. ‘Cause fuck that. Toooo much change isn’t always good.

I’m moving to Austrailia.

I think people should just SHUT THE FUCK UP.

haha, I cursed.

But, really. People talk way to much about themselves.

SHHHHHHHHUT UP. I don’t care. Nobody really does. Just be yourself all the time, and you won’t have to explain it on the interweb.

I read this all the time..

‘I’m original, I’m in love, You’ll never meet a girl like me. Me this, me that. I blah blah.’

Oh really? I just read the same thing two seconds ago Ms. Original.

I think those stupid about me’s on myspace should say I eat rocks and throw turkeys at my cat in the wintertime.

Ya know?

And stop complaining (even though I am right now, right?) haha, nobody sees this though. But I don’t want to hear you whining via internet.

Complain about me to yourself (blogs or other people) COMPLAIN TO ME ABOUT ME.

If it’s so simple to write it down, type it, or mention it in any way. What makes it so fucking hard to say it to me?

I don’t think I have any best friends an.

i like david henrie.

I really want the dream I had last night to become real. PLLLLLLEASE.

it was completely amazing. my SM and I met. we talked A LOT. we flirted A LOT. he gave me a necklace and he held me and i played with his hand? it was awesome and cute and everything it should have been.

It’s time to speak my mind.

I have urges to create lately. What? I do not know.

I just think I need to find something for me that I love and can’t get enough of. But money problems hold me back. I don’t have enough of it. And when I do get my rinkydink paycheck every two weeks, it’s all about the clothes and paying people my debt to them.

I want to be better, better at self control. Better at knowing myself. I don’t think I know myself. I don’t. You don’t. Nobody does. You know what? Screw it, I don’t care.. I’m at a turning point and I REALLY LOVE IT. I’m so filled with happiness right now. My God, this is weird. I was about to rant about dumb stuff. No. Not now. Let me tell you what I want to be. First I need to figure out who I already am. Maybe I’m a liar. I don’t want to hold anything in anymore. I’m going to tell any secrets I have to the wooooorld. I’ve made a HUGE mistake with someone, no not that. I’m still a virgin, still very proud of that fact too. Especially at this point in life. Nobody around me is like that anymore. Everyone’s in such a rush to grow up and have sex and do this and do that and smoke and drink. Not this girl. Never this girl. I’m not going to say I’ll save myself for marraige because I can’t predict the future. I can only go by what I’m feeling right now. And in this moment I know that it’s way too early for me to be doing ANYTHING with a boy of that nature. I’ll stick to the cute little kisses. If only I could find a boy that appreciates that. Let me tell you, any boy that I’ve considered.. they all want the same thing. We all know what that is. I’m so sick of it. My goooodness. I’m sixteen years old. I’m over the pressure and I want to be myself. People need to step back. Let me do my thing and don’t judge me for it. You know.. I’m sick of judgement. I’m sick of people hating others for things they do themselves. SERIOUSLEKRJHELJFNIU frjhgorn Jesus. I could go on forever until my fingertips blister. But my right middle finger has become irrated already. haha.

So agenda for the rest of my life:

Ignore girls that think they’re above me, girls that think they’re better then everyone else.

Be myself, who else is there to be?

LOVE myself.

Find myself.

Create.

Love.

Do my thing.

I really want my chance. Please, God, reunite us. I’m so faaaar beyond convinced that it’s meant to be, supposed to happen. He’s just so.. can’t even put into words what I feel about someone I don’t even know personally. Why does he have to be so far away and so incredibly unreachable for me. There’s no way I can meet up with him again. He’s gotten too big. I keep trying and nothing’s working. I’ll never win anything, I just can’t and don’t. I wish that just once, just one more time.. I could see you and look at you in person. Eye to eye. I want a conversation. I want you to know me, and I want to know you. I want to become your best friend and be open with you. I want to create something. I know all this hooplah sounds reeeeally stupid, and I’m probably going to sound dumb with all this. I don’t care though, when a girl needs to get something out.. she needs to get something out. I can’t help it. I feeeeeel so strongly about this. Like nothing I’ve ever felt. It’s amazing. But I feel like I’ll never even get my chance. I feel like you’ll never ever ever ever know. And if we ever do meet up, you still won’t know right away ’cause odds are we’d meet up for 2 seconds. Not even. Last time, I never really looked at you in the eyes, we didn’t lock eyes. If there’s ever another time, I hope to God there is everyday, I’ll make sure I introduce myself… after the whole lock-eyes-fireworks-fall-in-love-with-me thing happens. Hahaha.

;D

Don’t judge.